Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1/11/11

I just want to talk for a minute about my step-father.  I'm thinking about him a lot today because today was his and my mom's 13th wedding anniversary.  He died last month of cancer, and it was a very sad thing, but the way he went and his ability to say goodbye to everyone he loves made all of us capable of handling it.

Everyone has to die.  It just has to happen, for all our technology and medicine, we can't stop people from dying, and I don't think that we should. I think when it happened to my step-dad people expected me to be much more broken hearted, hell, I expected myself to be more broken hearted, but I wasn't, and I think that actually says a lot about him more so then it does about me. He made it bearable for me by letting me know every single time I talked to him, how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. There were no regrets.  

More importantly, he left in such a way that, though he was her best friend and greatest love, my mom is able to continue with her life without a shatter heart break. I don't really know how to explain it, she is grieving and she misses him, but she, too, has absolutely no regrets.

I wish I could go on, but I'm having a lot of trouble finding the right words, and now I'm getting tired. Part of the point is that he took care of my mom even in dying, and in that way he is taking care of me.  I was so worried about today. After he had died we had to plan the memorial services, and there was family all around; then the holidays came and there was family all around, but I knew that today, their anniversary, there wouldn't be anyone for her except myself and my grandmother, and I thought of all times this would be the worse for her.  It's devastating to know someone you love so much can be in so much pain and there is nothing you can offer in the way of relief. But she's ok, and that makes me ok

1 comment:

  1. First I want to say I'm sorry to hear about your step-dad's death.
    Second though, I'm glad that even though you are grieving (which is normal), you can be at peace with your step-dad's death. I think that even though its not usually that way, it should be that way. Death is natural and we should be content with the fact that no matter what you do it can't be stopped. Now if I could just live by my own advice, we'd have it made.

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